Karma-sama

Somehow i try not to think about karma too much, everything bad you do, comes back to you, sometimes surprising you.
I've hurt lot's of people in my life, and i try from now on to be the little angel and stay like that forever. well, in the long run it will pay off nicely.
"everything bad you do" ..., well perhaps everything YOU THINK IS BAD and you do.

From now on i'll try having more positive thoughts.

Imagine, Vizualize, Portray it, have strong will power and then just DO IT!
I hope for a brighter future, but like a dumb human i'm afraid of changes, time to take a step further on the ladder.

Woooohooo!

I had the best weekend EVER!

My depression is gone, and it was worth the time that my boyfriend spent just for me. We booked in a hotel far away from where we live, walked around the town, he bought me clothes, ate what i wanted :D, gone to make up lessons, well just that was a failure. It was just like a nice dream. I didnt felt happy with all that spendings, but in the end i realised that no other guy would spend that much money on his GF.

I Love my Boyfriend!

Thank's Andi

What's for today?

How my day started i knew nothing going to be allright, but anyway i forced myself to wake up and do the usual routine of mine.

Time flew and i had to pack my bag and run out of the door.

I always walk to school, it's 30 mins walk. Some people wouldn't bother and take the bus.

For a person that deals with depression and anxiety, i am not sure how to describe myself. As a lonley wolf? exiled wolf? attention seeker? 

Well, not the last one.

I used to have friends with who i walked to school and then back. They vanished, i can not see them, can not hear about them anymore.

In the end i think, the problem is me. Or perhaps the way i live, or maybe the people around me.

I won't bother thinking about it, done that lot's of times.

In school nothing bad happend, or i failed to realised until one week ago, that i am bulied.

i'm such a good target to bully.

sometimes i think it's because of my nationality, sometimes because of my skin color, in few words.... d i s c r i m i n a t i o n.

I'm not the type of person that goes and tells to the teacher "he bullied me WAAAAAAAA", i try to solve it myself, but i see i fail.

Nobody deserves to be treated the way i am.

It will sound a bit emo, but i start to hate myself and everything about my life. Is there something better for today?

2 years passed from when i am in this .... ummm shithole... called Ireland, i still can't get out of my depression and doctors arnt helpful. i guess nothing can help me and i should just get used to my current life style, right?

Suck's to be me.

Wanted hero

    Last week, in english class, we finished reading Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte. 

   An awesome book, i can say. The teacher asked us individualy which character we liked most. Everybody said the book was boring and didnt liked any person. Some said Mr. Lockwood, the one that listens to Nelly telling the story, the new tenant at Thrushcross Grange.

   Until it was my turn to tell which character i liked the most, i was thinking about words to describe how much i liked my favourite character.

  "Heathcliff", was my response. The teacher's face brightened with a smile, maybe happy that somebody finaly likes the novel. She asked me why. 

   I like Heathcliff because he has a strong willpower of being himself, of revenging, of loving, the only person that loved and betraied him. And that person is, Catherine. Exactly, Catherine!

   He grew huge affection for her, from little boy, after Hindley returned at Wuthering Heights with a wife and degraded him, he was put to work hard labor, though he could have said "no, i won't let myself be degraded" and leave for a better paid job, but in the book it's not writen that he objeted to all this, because we all know that the only thing, that kept him back, was the love for Catherine. 

   How lovely, isn't it?

   It's much more lovely to know that he overheard her say how she loves him, but she can not marry him because it would degrade her too much.

   Everybody would be hurt, hearing something like this from the person they admire, respect a lot.

   He did well, disappearing for 3 years.

   Just like Nelly, i am wondering where he had been, from where he managed to get that much money? Perhaps he married a wealthy old woman? Was the servant of a wealthy old man, who managed to pounder into him the etiquetee of proper manner? Or maybe he gone in the army! After all he's described as manly and build up body.

   Ugh! I wish, i was Catherine, and would listen what my heart say: to be with Heathcliff and have a passionate life full of love, and somehow in good and in bad we would still be together. But then the story would END! O_O

   That's not good, either.

   It also can be seen the author of the book, liked Heathcliff very much and made him the hero. The story starts with him as a baby and ends with his death.

Resuming: I just LOVE the way Heathcliff is, mad with love and revenge for everybody because his love died. I would love such a guy as my husband, but then, i don't want to be a wife and all this is just fantasy.

Her old Self

Annabelle knew something was wrong from the time tears poured down her face without her knowledge and felt her unconscious part hurt and tore in pieces, with a piercing sense of melancholy and emptiness that overwhelmed her and made her sob slightly. Suszane, her best friend, was very confused and concerned, and asked Annabelle if she is alright.

Annabelle lifted her hand, the palm faced her and slowly brushed her cheek feeling weird, not knowing if it was reality or not, thinking perhaps her friend just having a laugh.

She stared intensely at her wet palm, with vision almost blur because of the tears, memories flew through her mind, memories with her now ex-boyfriend and her sobbing turned into an uncontrollably crying.

She didn't cry from long time and now felt very relieved. Annabelle used to be weak at heart, falling for everything her selfish crush would tell. Very kind words, what every girl would want to hear from her boyfriend, but she didn't felt secure, and didn't knew if he really meant what he said. It was more like she was always daydreaming when around him. But those times were long over. She thought of old self as a foolish, kind, innocent little girl but that personality of her was gone, hided in the darkest place of the mind.

Though she desired to be her old self very much, everything around did not allow her the luxury. Madness, mental breakdown, perhaps bigger catastrophe would happened in her life, if her stronger self didn't emerged from within and changed her in the current person.

But everything her old self wanted, planned and organised was soon replaced by the huge egoism, indifference and hatred. Hatred for people who hurt her until her kindness reached the peak of limit.

Her biggest problem was that everybody tried to control her, imposed their own opinion and if she didn't agreed with them, the way they expressed their sadness made her give up, in the end and acceped their stupid ideas. Unfortunately, that part of her couldn't stand all that anymore and had a mental break down 3 months ago, which made it easier for another type of personality of her to step out and exchange places. Or that's what she thought, but she knew the way she behaved before was not the way she behaved now.

She felt it like a cage, that dark part of her mind full of bad memories, traumas and un-wordable things, from where she watched what was going on in reality and her opinion never really mattered until it was a very urgent and complicated situation.

But now she had control, with no pity and sympathy about what would talk about her or how they were going to look. She had the long awaited confidence and courage to tell people straight in their face how bad their ideas were, sometimes even addressed rudely. It was like they never existed. They came asking her for advices and opinions but she pushed them away and minded her own business.

Every time she said what's to do, and leaned on her right leg, and didn't cared about anything that she used to care about.

As she stood there and cried until her eyes went red, her knees gave up and made her knee on the floor between hanged and shelved clothes that waited to be bought. She shed tears while Susane hugged her and stroke gently her silky, soft and long dark hair which was half covering her back. The crying didn't chased even after calm whispers, that everything was going to be alright.

Susane handed her a handkerchief and saw Anne's reddened eyes from tears and face all rose, that expressed hurt and sadness. She didn't dare say anything about knowing the break up between Anne and her boyfriend, because that would hurt more. That was the first time she saw Anne crying, even though her behaviour after the split concerned her and knew that probably she cried alone or it was simply stupidness and indifference on her mind, like nothing ever happend. Perhaps overlooking everything and trying to look forward with her life.