Her old Self

Annabelle knew something was wrong from the time tears poured down her face without her knowledge and felt her unconscious part hurt and tore in pieces, with a piercing sense of melancholy and emptiness that overwhelmed her and made her sob slightly. Suszane, her best friend, was very confused and concerned, and asked Annabelle if she is alright.

Annabelle lifted her hand, the palm faced her and slowly brushed her cheek feeling weird, not knowing if it was reality or not, thinking perhaps her friend just having a laugh.

She stared intensely at her wet palm, with vision almost blur because of the tears, memories flew through her mind, memories with her now ex-boyfriend and her sobbing turned into an uncontrollably crying.

She didn't cry from long time and now felt very relieved. Annabelle used to be weak at heart, falling for everything her selfish crush would tell. Very kind words, what every girl would want to hear from her boyfriend, but she didn't felt secure, and didn't knew if he really meant what he said. It was more like she was always daydreaming when around him. But those times were long over. She thought of old self as a foolish, kind, innocent little girl but that personality of her was gone, hided in the darkest place of the mind.

Though she desired to be her old self very much, everything around did not allow her the luxury. Madness, mental breakdown, perhaps bigger catastrophe would happened in her life, if her stronger self didn't emerged from within and changed her in the current person.

But everything her old self wanted, planned and organised was soon replaced by the huge egoism, indifference and hatred. Hatred for people who hurt her until her kindness reached the peak of limit.

Her biggest problem was that everybody tried to control her, imposed their own opinion and if she didn't agreed with them, the way they expressed their sadness made her give up, in the end and acceped their stupid ideas. Unfortunately, that part of her couldn't stand all that anymore and had a mental break down 3 months ago, which made it easier for another type of personality of her to step out and exchange places. Or that's what she thought, but she knew the way she behaved before was not the way she behaved now.

She felt it like a cage, that dark part of her mind full of bad memories, traumas and un-wordable things, from where she watched what was going on in reality and her opinion never really mattered until it was a very urgent and complicated situation.

But now she had control, with no pity and sympathy about what would talk about her or how they were going to look. She had the long awaited confidence and courage to tell people straight in their face how bad their ideas were, sometimes even addressed rudely. It was like they never existed. They came asking her for advices and opinions but she pushed them away and minded her own business.

Every time she said what's to do, and leaned on her right leg, and didn't cared about anything that she used to care about.

As she stood there and cried until her eyes went red, her knees gave up and made her knee on the floor between hanged and shelved clothes that waited to be bought. She shed tears while Susane hugged her and stroke gently her silky, soft and long dark hair which was half covering her back. The crying didn't chased even after calm whispers, that everything was going to be alright.

Susane handed her a handkerchief and saw Anne's reddened eyes from tears and face all rose, that expressed hurt and sadness. She didn't dare say anything about knowing the break up between Anne and her boyfriend, because that would hurt more. That was the first time she saw Anne crying, even though her behaviour after the split concerned her and knew that probably she cried alone or it was simply stupidness and indifference on her mind, like nothing ever happend. Perhaps overlooking everything and trying to look forward with her life.